Dear Joe,

I'm 20 years old now, did you know that? I don't think you do, because even when you knew me you didn't know how old I was. I suppose it isn't your fault however, I was never really yours and was primarily an obligation of the state. But alas, I'm all grown up and trying hard to put the pieces together, trying viligantly to find all the lost and broken parts. As I continue a search, I have realized that when it comes to you, there is a void. My vision of you are simple memories, plain and inconsistent, dazed and blurred like an abstract. I know that the pain is what I'm forced to remember, but to be honest Joe, I long for the happy memories in which you actually did what any man in your position would do. But you didn't and it never mattered all that much to me until now. I watch my peers and those closest to me relish in the relationships they share with their parents, and I feel like I was robbed. Was it because I wasn't a boy? Was it because I was a product of illegitimacy that you wished was terminated? No, its because I was never yours. And even with you absent from my life, I have inherited so much from you without even knowing it. A crude temper, an angry disposition, and a cynical philosophy have all come from you. Now, I'm not sure if these things can be attributed to genetics, but I know that they may be attributed to the lies and abuse you inflicted upon me and those around me. Perhaps you didn't know what you were doing; maybe you were just sick and couldn't control yourself; maybe you didn't know there were consequences for such actions. Unfortunatly, the ills you've placed upon me are permanent and living with them is a constant struggle.
The search for male acceptance is a lost cause, in that each man I seek is a cookie cutter of your personality. I'm forever drawn to those who will put me in my place - just like you did. The notion of subordination is inate within me and I have never actually built up enough esteem to bring myself beyond that point. A girl growing up without a proper home is forever damaged - and the proof for you is right in front of you.
I know what you have now is what you always dreamed of - the perfect family; a wife and two boys. But what about what I always dreamed of? I will never have what I should have been promised since my birth. I was never taught what a father should teach his daughter and I was never protected from the things a father should protect his daughter from. Where were you when you weren't at my baseball games? My dance recitals? My high-school graduation? And where will you be when I finally find a man who loves me enough to spend his life with me? Will you walk me down the aisle? Dance the first dance with me? No, you won't. Just like everything else, I'll have to do these things alone. It all comes down to the fact that I'm not yours. You were an active participant in the creation of a life that you didn't want - and now I must be punished for it.
I feel sorry for you Joe. I really do. And while I may not have your prays or well wishes, you have mine. You gave me life, and for that, I am thankful.

-S